U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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