I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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