tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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