When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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