the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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