Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He did a backflip because drugs
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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