You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
