these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
