don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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