He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
