Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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