Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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