Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
