So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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