Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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