There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
