The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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