These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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