I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
