This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
