so that wasnt chicken after all
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
