I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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