Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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