I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize