I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
