I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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