how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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