so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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