I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
