you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
