I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize