dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
literally had 100 drinks last night.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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