My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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