I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
