Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize