I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
