His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
