Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
