Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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