so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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