Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize