When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she pinky promised me she was 18
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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