I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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