I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
