just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i drank out of a bidet.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
