You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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