Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
