there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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