I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
only you would photoshop your dick
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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