I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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