I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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