I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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