does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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