you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
