Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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