My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
