i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
