Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
