I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
