if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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