I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
