He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
