Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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