P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize